well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
