Porn is love you can see.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
