I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
