You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
