my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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