My underwear smells like fireworks.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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