There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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