i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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