I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
People in love make me want to vomit
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
