How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
