So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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