I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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