Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
