I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
