no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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