I got chris browned last night
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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