I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
