I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
