i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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