ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
