How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
