forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
