I think im going to throw up on grandma
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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