Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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