i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
