My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize