She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
