I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
