You work out of a Hotel?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
