Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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