Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
please come you make the beer taste better
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
