You smell like a Billy Joel song
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
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