she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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