Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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