it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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