My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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