and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
