New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
