I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
