we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
