I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
