i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Randomize
