Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
