Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
