He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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