2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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