According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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