We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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