got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Randomize
