opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
