the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
