totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
