I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Randomize
