Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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